Bartering
by Radioactive Ferret
Summary: Orihime finds herself missing the comforts of home while in Las Noches. So, she decides to do some bartering with the only things she has on her. What are the consequences of giving strange objects to bored Espada? Chaos.
1. For the Alarm Clock

Title: Bartering

Pairings: none

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for Grimmjow's sailor mouth

Summary: Orihime finds herself missing the comforts of home while in Las Noches. So, she decides to do some bartering with the only things she has on her: a necklace, her keys, a Japanese-English dictionary, a marker and a disposable camera.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, KODAK disposable cameras, Mickey Mouse or Sharpies. All I own are a few episodes of Bleach on my computer, one KODAK disposable camera in my dresser drawer, one Mickey Mouse alarm clock and three red Sharpies. So don't sue!

Chapter 1 – For the Alarm Clock

Orihime awoke to what could only be described as a cross between a banshee shriek and a microphone being shredded against a cheese grater on triple-amp speakers. Following that, several loud curses could be heard from just outside her door, mainly consisting of "piece of shit" and "fuck you sideways".

She sighed. Mornings were always the same in Las Noches. Same wakeup call, same petty arguments amongst the arrancar, and the same rantings and ravings from Grimmjow. Most revolved around Ulquiorra, and she was reminded of the old methods teachers had used in elementary school when two children couldn't co-exist peacefully. She had seen students be separated for one reason or another on the playground, and she felt the same principle would work wonders for Grimmjow and Ulquiorra.

She found herself idly wishing for her alarm clock. Perhaps if she could wake up to the sound of Mickey Mouse's voice wishing her a 'Good morning! Time to wake up!', she would feel a bit more positive than she did after waking up at six on the dot to Grimmjow's howling.

Her door creaked open ominously. "Good morning, Grimmjow!" she said as cheerily as she could under the circumstances.

"Why are you always awake at this hour, bitch?"

Orihime giggled. "Well, it's kinda hard to sleep through the racket you make every morning. And why would you want me to be asleep if you're coming in here to whine… I mean… complain… uh…"

She winced as Grimmjow scowled. "I'm _not_ whining!" he snapped.

"I didn't mean that!" she squeaked. "I just woke up; I'm sorry. I'm not thinking clearly." When Grimmjow didn't reply, she dared to ask another question. "So, what's with all the noise every morning?"

Grimmjow growled under his breath. "Blame Ulquiorra. He feels it's _imperative_ that I wake up at six every fucking morning, whether I want to or not."

"What for?"

"That's exactly what I asked him! But he just pulls that 'Aizen-_sama _says so' crap!" He punched the wall. "I usually wait until he leaves then go back to bed, but lately he's caught on."

Orihime sighed. It sounded like when her brother tried to get her up for school when she was little. Juvenile. "Do you have work to do or something?"

"No! All I have to do is wander around, tired and bored out of my friggen skull!" He sat on the floor against the wall, still muttering to himself.

"Is that why you come in here, then?" she asked. "I can entertain you a bit, I suppose."

Grimmjow glared at her. "You are anything _but_ entertaining, bitch. You're just the only one who doesn't nag me or annoy the piss out of me."

Orihime was suddenly struck by an idea. "I know something you could do, Grimmjow!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah? What?"

"I've got some things on me I'd like to trade."

Grimmjow looked mildly interested. "For what?"

Orihime unfastened a necklace she'd been wearing. "I'll give you this necklace if you fetch my Mickey Mouse alarm clock from my house."

"What the hell would I want with a necklace?" Grimmjow sneered.

Orihime's eyes sparkled. "Well, it's really shiny, and if you hold the pendant in the sunlight, it makes little rainbows on the floor!"

"I'll repeat, what the hell would I want with a shiny rainbow necklace?"

"Oh, right…" Orihime pulled her purse up off the floor. "Well, let's see what else I have…" She dug through the bag, looking for something interesting. "Um, I have a Sharpie! You draw on things with it and the ink never comes off!"

"Never, you say?" Grimmjow asked, intrigued.

"Nope! See? It says 'permanent'." Orihime pointed to the marker's label.

Grimmjow's face split into a wicked grin. "You've got a deal, bitch. I'll get your rat clock. Where is it?"

Orihime clapped happily. "It's on a table by my bed. Go upstairs and it's the first room on your left."

1111

"Grimmjow, where are you going?" Ulquiorra asked monotonously.

Choosing his words carefully, Grimmjow answered. "None of your fuckin' business."

"Aizen-sama asked you to—" began Ulquiorra before Grimmjow cut him off.

"I won't be gone long, _Mommy_. I have to fetch a talking rat clock from someone's house in exchange for an unerasable marker." This had the exact desired effect for Grimmjow.

Ulquiorra blinked several times, then shook his head. "Wait, you _what_?"

"You must be really slow today. I'll be back eventually."

* * *

Author's note: So, my first Bleach fanfic. Most of what I know about the series is through fanfiction and wikipedia, and I can count the number of full episodes I've seen on one hand. If all that is painfully obvious in this fanfic, please tell me. I tried to keep everyone somewhat in character, so if you have any advice for me, please leave a review. Feedback (positive or negative) is always greatly appreciated!

OH! One question! When Orihime was at Las Noches, was she in a cell or... or what? I haven't seen that part yet, sadly. (if you couldn't tell...)


	2. For the Television

Title: Bartering

Pairings: none

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for Grimmjow's word choice.

Summary: Orihime finds herself missing the comforts of home while in Las Noches. So, she decides to do some bartering with the only things she has on her.

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own it. If I did, I would try all of Orihime's cooking and keep Grimmjow and Ulquiorra hog-tied under my bed. Oh, and Rukia would be a pimp and smoke Cuban cigars.

I would like to give some cookies to my wonderful reviewers! ilovethefray, Friglit, NovaGloriosa17 and GirlLoki, these are for you! (tosses a fresh batch of chocolate-chip cookies)

* * *

Chapter 2 – For the Television

Orihime awoke from a dreamless sleep to the sound of Mickey Mouse's voice wishing her a good morning and bidding her to wake up. Feeling greatly refreshed, she pressed the button on Mickey's hand, silencing the alarm.

As she stretched, she idly wondered what Grimmjow had done with her marker. There had been an eerie gleam in his eyes when she told him the ink never came off, so she had a vague suspicion that he was up to no good.

Orihime sniffed the stale air. Her room didn't stink, exactly. In all truth, it didn't even seem to _have_ a scent. Sighing, she glanced at her clock. Five fifty-nine and fifty-five seconds. She counted down.

"Five… four… three… two… one."

"ULQUIORRA, YOU PIECE OF SHIT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE OR I'LL EAT YOU ALIVE!"

Orihime buried her face in her pillow, stifling giggles. The beginning of the argument (meaning, before Ulquiorra sent Grimmjow flying through a wall) seemed much funnier now that she was wide awake already.

She got to her feet and began imitating each voice she heard, failing miserably at trying to keep a straight face when she heard Ulquiorra reply, "Grimmjow, I highly doubt you would... how did you put it?... 'eat me alive'. So get out of bed before I dump a bucket of water on you."

"I TOLD YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, YOU SONOVABITCH!"

"You have such a wonderful way with words, Grimmjow. Well, I did warn you..."

Orihime all but shrieked with laughter as she heard a loud splash and a howl of blind rage from down the hall. "RIGHT, _THAT_ DOES IT, ASSHOLE!" There was a loud _thud_, followed by the sound of someone getting their ass totally handed to them.

'Poor Ulquiorra,' Orihime thought to herself.

Suddenly, her door opened, and a bruised, bloody and sopping wet Grimmjow stumbled into her room. "Morning, Grimmjow!" she greeted happily. "Who won?"

"Piece of shit cheated," he grumbled, taking his usual place against the wall.

Orihime chewed on a fingertip. "Was it just me, or did he seem a bit... angry... today?"

Grimmjow scoffed. "Angry? Him?" he laughed. "Who the fuck knows? He always looks the same to me."

"I think he always looks sad," Orihime commented.

"He's not," Grimmjow answered abruptly. "He derives some sort of sick pleasure from pissing me off at every turn. Sad...? No. That's just what he looks like."

Orihime nodded. "What did you do with my Sharpie, Grimmjow?" she asked. "I'm guessing that's why Ulquiorra resorted to such a childish measure to get you up."

"How observant," Grimmjow replied sarcastically. "Don't tell me you thought I wasn't going to get back at him!"

"Well, the thought crossed my mind, but I never thought you'd actually go through with it! I mean... he's stronger than you!"

"Shut your face, bitch!" Grimmjow shouted. "I could take that piece of shit on any day!"

Orihime grinned triumphantly. "That's the spirit, Grimmjow! Keep on trying! Don't give up!" She flashed him a victory sign.

Grimmjow rolled his eyes. "Great," he said, voice laced with sarcasm. "A fucking cheerleader. Go team!"

Orihime sighed. "Okay, so tell me. What did you do with the Sharpie?"

"Not much," Grimmjow replied, stretching.

"Oh, don't be like that!" Orihime pouted. "Pleeaasse?"

Grimmjow rested his head against the wall. "Well, I did three things. First, I wrote 'why so serious?' on Ulquiorra's wall, then I drew a smile on his face while he slept, and THEN I dropped the marker in the laundry. That one was a mistake, though."

Orihime giggled. "I'm glad you found a way to entertain yourself, Grimmjow!" she said. "Do you have anything else to do?"

"Actually, other then plot a very painful and humiliating revenge on Ulquiorra, no."

"Yay!" Orihime said, clapping. "Would you be interested in another trade?"

Grimmjow's face split into an eerie grin. "Let's see what you've got, first."

Orihime grabbed her purse. "Well, you didn't want the necklace..."

"And I still don't."

"Right, then." Orihime dug around for a moment. "Ooh, how 'bout this?" She held up a pink rectangular object.

Grimmjow frowned. "What is it?"

"Huh? Oh, here, look!" She pointed the camera at him. "Smile!" Grimmjow flipped her the bird just as the flashbulb filled the room with light. Grimmjow fell over sideways, rubbing his eyes furiously.

"What's the POINT of that deathtrap?" he roared angrily.

"It's a camera," Orihime said innocently, flapping a black square around like a hummingbird's wing. "It takes pictures." Grimmjow continued blinking the spots out of his eyes, and Orihime held the picture in front of him. "See? It's you! Turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself!"

Grimmjow took the picture. "So I point that thing at someone, blind them, and then I have their picture?" Orihime nodded. "You've got a deal, bitch. What do you want?"

Orihime thought for a moment. "I want my TV. And my box of videotapes. They're in the brown cardboard box beside my bed."

"You'll have it in an hour," Grimmjow said. "Oh, and one more thing," he added as he turned to leave.

"What is it?"

"Don't tell anyone about the camera. I need to catch them by surprise."

Orihime nodded. She could only imagine what kind of mischief Grimmjow was planning, and was struck by a sudden wave of mischief herself. "Grimmjow, if you let me cook dinner for everyone tonight, I'll tell you something really cool about the camera that you could use to get even with Ulquiorra."

Grimmjow smiled. "Well, women are usually good cooks. Fine. What's this secret of the camera?"

She pointed to a button on the side with a little red dot. "This records footage, and you can transfer it onto videos."

It seemed that Christmas had come early for Grimmjow. His eyes were wide with childish mirth and his smile was so full of creepy innocence that some little kid would probably wet their pants upon seeing him. Orihime found the image quite disturbing herself, and for a moment, she felt a stab of pity for the Cuatro Espada. She had unleashed a force of nature, and on top of that, she had given said force of nature a camera. Imagine the chaos.

2222

Gin was bored out of his mind. Life in Las Noches wasn't always interesting, unfortunately, and after bothering Aizen and browsing through the library, he was reduced to wandering. It was then, as he aimlessly wandered the halls, he felt a familiar reiatsu behind him. Ulquiorra. Gin sighed. Not exactly his first choice for conversation, but he supposed the Fourth would be better than nothing.

Glancing over his shoulder, he blinked in surprise. Ulquiorra didn't have his usual gloomy expression. Instead, he was seething with rage, his clothes were covered in what appeared to be black ink stains, and his normally alabaster skin was unusually rosy.

"Do ya have a fever?" Gin asked.

"No," Ulquiorra snapped. "It just took me two hours of scrubbing to get the damn ink off my face. Grimmjow finds the most childish and immature things funny sometimes."

Gin snickered. "He drew on yer face?"

"_And_ my walls, _and_ everyone's clothes. I'm seriously beginning to believe he hit his head on something. It would explain his immaturity!"

"My, my," Gin said, amused. "Such anger. You realize you're giving him exactly what he wants, right?"

Ulquiorra took a few deep breaths. "Yes, I know."

"Ya know, I believe there was this saying... oh, how did it go?" Gin thought for a moment. "Oh, of course! 'Don't get mad—get even'."

"I had already planned on that. You don't need to remind me." He glared at what appeared to be a black box with two legs, hands, and blue hair that shuffled down the hall. "What the fuck is he doing?"

"Didn' he go out ta fetch a clock yesterday?" Gin asked musingly.

"Yes... oh, shit! 'In exchange for an unerasable marker'!" The rage was back. "He's trading with that woman! I should have known!"

"So now it's you against those two," Gin said. "Well, I don' have anything else ta do. Mind if I help?"


	3. Ulquiorra's Revenge

Title: Bartering

Pairings: none

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for Grimmjow's potty mouth.

Summary: Orihime finds herself missing the comforts of home while in Las Noches. So, she decides to do some bartering with the only things she has on her.

Disclaimer: Since I'm still stuck writing fanfiction, I believe it's safe to say that I don't own Bleach.

Yay! I've got some great reviews lately, which makes a very happy author! I'm out of cookies, but I have some canned tuna and chocolate pocky. Take your pick!

* * *

Chapter 3 – Ulquiorra's Revenge

Orihime was halfway through the fifth season of Friends when her door opened again. Grimmjow bounded in like a puppy and dropped the camera in front of her. "Tell me if any of this is good for blackmail," he said simply.

"Um, okay..." Orihime said hesitantly, flipping through the stack of photos. There were photos of just about every Espada, but, oddly enough, there was only one of Ulquiorra. "How is this supposed to be blackmail?" she asked, holding up the photo.

Grimmjow pointed at Ulquiorra. "As you see, his precious Aizen-_sama_ is speaking to him, and he's _rolling his eyes_. He always bitches at me for not paying attention, so I figured this would prove him to be a hypocrite."

Orihime nodded. "I suppose that might work. Enjoying yourself?"

"Oh, very much indeed." He frowned for a moment. "I was supposed to tell you something, actually."

"Really? What was it?" Orihime asked eagerly.

"Uh... Oh, yes. If you still want to do the cooking, you'd better come with me. I managed to find all the ingredients on the list for you."

Orihime jumped up from the floor. "Well, let's get going! I have a great meal planned for tonight!"

3333

Twenty minutes later, Grimmjow thought he was going to be sick. All the ingredients looked delicious by themselves, but the way Orihime combined them... Pickles, cloves, vanilla extract and honey rolled into little balls was the appetizer, and the main course was sweet-and-sour chicken smothered in tarter sauce and rolled in powdered sugar. The dessert looked edible. Chocolate dipped in a strange white sauce.

Orihime sampled her appetizers with a spoon. "Hmm... it's missing something. Grimmjow, will you taste it?"

Grimmjow shrugged. If she hadn't died of food poisoning by now, he would probably survive too. He glanced at the spoon offered to him. Maybe. He gingerly took a small bite, and immediately felt his face turn green. He made it to the trash can just in time.

"Ooh, you're right!" Orihime said over his loud retching. "Not enough salt! I'll fix it!"

Grimmjow collapsed beside the trash can, stomach churning like the ocean. "Sure. Salt," he muttered.

"There! Perfect!" Orihime exclaimed. "This is probably the best thing I've ever made!"

"_This_ is your best?" Grimmjow asked incredulously. "What was your worst?"

Orihime thought for a moment. "Fish heads in tomato paste. It was really bland." Grimmjow gagged again.

Suddenly, there were footsteps. "Ooh, that looks delicious," Gin said, peering over Orihime's shoulder. "What do you call those?"

Orihime smiled. "Well, _these_ are called 'Exotic Vanilla Pickles', and the main dish is called 'Sweetened Tarter Chicken'."

Gin nodded, seemingly interested. "Would you mind if I sampled one of them?" he asked.

"Oh, go right ahead!" Orihime exclaimed.

"Your funeral," Grimmjow muttered.

Gin tasted one of the pickles. "This is delicious!" he said, surprised. "Where did you learn to make this?"

Orihime blushed. "Well, it's actually my own recipe. You see, I was in the kitchen looking for the milk when suddenly—"

It was just as Orihime began explaining the origins of the honey-pickles that Grimmjow felt someone leaving the kitchen. "When did you get here?" he asked Ulquiorra suspiciously.

"I came in with Gin," he answered monotonously. "You were just to busy vomiting to notice."

Instead of throwing some of the aforementioned vomit at the Fourth, Grimmjow just smirked. "Why so serious?" he taunted.

"That was pathetically immature, Grimmjow. I shouldn't have been surprised to see such a childish antic, but perhaps I just overestimated you."

Grimmjow snarled, and fought the urge to upend the trash can over the smaller Arrancar's head. "You're just angry that I caught you off guard, asshole," he growled.

"Why would that upset me? I catch you off guard every morning."

Grimmjow grinned his most obnoxious grin. "Do you have any idea how gay that sounded?" he snickered.

Ulquiorra scowled and stormed out. Grimmjow smirked. Victory!

Orihime arched an eyebrow. "What was that all about?" she asked.

Grimmjow shrugged. "I hope he likes your cooking too," Grimmjow said with a grin.

3333

Oddly enough, he did. Gin and Ulquiorra were amongst the very few in Las Noches who seemed to mind Orihime's cooking, whereas Grimmjow simply munched on Orihime's frosted chocolates, which were surprisingly delicious. Aizen had ordered all of the Arrancar to at least taste what Orihime had worked on in the kitchen, much to Grimmjow's amusement.

However, after each chocolate, he began to think a bit more. It was unlikely that Gin would go out of his way to compliment someone's cooking, and it was even more unusual still for Ulquiorra to be with him. After all, Ulquiorra was _Aizen's_ lapdog, not Gin's.

Grimmjow sucked on another chocolate. Then again, now that he thought about it, Gin never asked about the chocolates. He hadn't even looked at them the whole time he'd been there.

Another chocolate. He was dimly aware of someone watching him, but he dismissed it. Wait. The chocolates were on the other side of the room. Grimmjow looked up. Ulquiorra was staring at him with an oddly amused look. Then it hit him. Gin had been distracting him and Orihime! Ulquiorra had been using Gin's distraction as an opportunity to mess with the chocolates!

He cast a panicked look at the chocolates in his hand, then turned back to face Ulquiorra. 'What did that bastard do?'

The answer hit him in the gut.

Literally.

There was an odd rumbling in his lower intestine and a churning in his stomach. Ulquiorra smirked, and the sight alone nearly scared Grimmjow into shitting himself. He made a mad dash for the bathroom.

3333

Gin snickered as Grimmjow ran for the bathroom. "What did you do to the chocolate?" he asked.

Ulquiorra shrugged. "I switched the ones that woman made with ones _I_ made. From Ex-Lax."

"Very clever," Gin said, amused. "Did you switch all of them?"

"Yes, why?"

Gin's eyes widened. "I gave the rest of those to Aizen!"

Ulquiorra paled (if at all possible). "You didn't."

"I did."

Both stared at each other in horror for a moment, then finally shrugged. "He'll figure it out," Gin said, returning to his dinner.


	4. Grimmjow and Orihime Unite

Title: Bartering

Pairings: none

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for naughty words

Summary: Orihime finds herself missing the comforts of home while in Las Noches. So, she decides to do some bartering with the only things she has on her. What are the consequences?

Disclaimer: I wish I owned it, but then again, don't we all?

* * *

Chapter 4 – Grimmjow and Orihime Unite

"Wake up, bitch. We've got work to do."

Orihime opened her eyes groggily and glanced at the glow-in-the-dark face of her alarm clock. 3:30AM. "Grimmjow, what are you talking about?" she groaned. "Do you know what _time_ it is?"

"Yes, I do. And do you know why you're going to help me?" Grimmjow countered.

Orihime rubbed her eyes. "No. Why?"

"Ulquiorra switched your chocolate with Ex-Lax. Are you honestly gonna let him get away with fucking with your dessert?"

"He did _what_?" Orihime whispered harshly. "How _dare_ he!" Grimmjow knew he had struck a nerve. Orihime was rather slipshod with most of the goings-on in her life, but when it came to her cooking, she was an entirely different person.

"So are you with me?"

Orihime nodded sharply. "Let's get him!" She paused. "Um, what are we gonna do? I've got a few crappy movies we could force him to watch, I guess..."

"I've got a camera. Let's forget the movies. I am going to humiliate him!" He pushed the door opened and dragged Orihime with him.

"W-wait, Grimmjow!" she squeaked. "Are you sure we should be doing this? I... don't think we should!"

"Will you _shut up_, bitch?" he hissed, shoving her against the wall and ducking around a corner. "Okay, no one's coming. Now, you stay right here in the doorway and snap the picture. You'll know when."

Orihime watched Grimmjow as he slid the door open and tiptoed inside, but had to stifle a gasp as she saw the room's occupant. Ulquiorra. As quietly as she could, she grabbed Grimmjow's arm and dragged him back into the hall. "_Are you CRAZY?_" she hissed. "Ulquiorra's room? He'll slaughter us!"

Grimmjow wrenched his arm free. "Just take the picture and run like hell. With luck, he'll think he's dreaming."

"You seem rather confident," Orihime grumbled.

"That's what's so great about Ulquiorra," Grimmjow said brightly. "It takes him about five minutes to realize he's awake! Now be quiet!"

He slunk back into Ulquiorra's room. 'Why so serious?' still stood out in huge block letters on the wall, much to Grimmjow's pleasure. 'Okay,' Grimmjow thought as he sat on the edge of Ulquiorra's bed. 'Here goes nothing.' He nudged the fourth's shoulder, and his eyes immediately snapped open.

"Huh? Wha... Grimmjow?" He rubbed his eyes. "I had better be dreaming."

"What makes you say that?" Grimmjow asked a bit too sweetly.

Ulquiorra groaned. "Because it's three in the morning, and if I'm not dreaming, I'm going to kill you."

Grimmjow ignored him. "Why would you be dreaming about me?" he asked mischievously.

"Well, it _might_ have something to do with the fact that I just tricked you into eating your weight in Ex-Lax and I'm reveling in the sweet taste of revenge."

Grimmjow smirked. Definitely not fully awake. There was no way in hell Ulquiorra would admit that to him under normal circumstances. Ulquiorra sighed and laid back down. "Go away, Grimmjow," he muttered.

"Aw, c'mon, stay awake," Grimmjow whined. "I'm bored."

Ulquiorra finally sat up. "And what would you like me to do about that? Surely you can find a way to entertain yoursel—MMPH!"

He was cut off as Grimmjow's mouth was pressed roughly against his. Ulquiorra's eyes widened almost comically, and he flushed several unnamed shades of scarlet. "Grimmjow, what the hell are you doing?"

Suddenly, he was blind. There had been light, almost like lightning, and suddenly, the darkness looked even blacker than before. And then he was alone.

Ulquiorra rubbed his eyes, finally awake. "Grimmjow?" he said into the darkness. "The hell?"

4444

The next morning, Orihime did not wake up to Mickey's voice. Instead, she heard her door slam and angry footsteps move toward her bed. "What now, Grimmjow?" she sighed, rolling over. Then she froze. The figure standing in front of her was smaller than Grimmjow and much, much paler.

"Not Grimmjow this time, woman," Ulquiorra hissed. "What was he doing in my room last night?"

Orihime's life flashed before her eyes. "How... how would I know?" she squeaked.

"Because you're working with him, aren't you?"

"Um, he does favors for me sometimes," she said. "I pay him with whatever I have on me."

For a moment, Ulquiorra looked disgusted. "You mean... you're a..."

Orihime remained oblivious. "A what?"

"A prostitute?"

SMACK!

Orihime's hand stung from the point of impact, and Ulquiorra's eyes were wide. "What was that for?"

"You called me a prostitute! That was really rude!"

Ulquiorra rubbed the left side of his face. "Well, you said you paid him with what you have on you, and I doubt he'd want your clothes..."

The door opened again. "Hey, bitch, guess what I—YOU!"

"Sleep well, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra asked sarcastically. "Or did you get a little too... um... bored... to sleep?"

Grimmjow arched an eyebrow. "What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked. "I just woke up a few minutes ago. Any particular reason you didn't need me to wake up at six today?"

"Well, you were up at three this morning complaining of being bored, so I figured you were still up."

Grimmjow laughed. "I'd never complain to you about being bored. I'd just find a way to entertain myself."

"As you showed me last night."

Orihime was shocked. Grimmjow was lying through his teeth, yet either he'd forgotten what happened—which was highly unlikely—or he was a damn good actor. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he laughed. "You sure you weren't just dreaming?"

"YES, I'm sure I wasn't dreaming!"

Grimmjow smirked. "You were dreaming about me, weren't you?"

"Grimmjow, I'm warning you."

"You were! What was I doing? Was I a good lay?"

"Grimmjow!"

"Were you sayin' my name like that in your dream?"

Orihime ducked under her bed. "Grimmjow, stop it!" she squeaked.

"Listen to your whore, Grimmjow."

"I _am_ listening to you," Grimmjow replied. "Or was it the other way around?"

There was a sudden explosion, and when Orihime opened her eyes, her wall and door were gone, along with Grimmjow. "You didn't have to kill him!" Orihime shrieked. "It was only a joke! You shouldn't have put laxatives in my food in the first place!"

"So you were with him last night?"

Orihime clapped a hand to her mouth. "No, I—um... well, I mean... oops?"

There was a clattering from beneath a pile of bricks as Grimmjow stirred. "Son of a crap!" Grimmjow swore, rubbing his head. "Was that really necessary?"

"One thing doesn't seem to fit, though," Ulquiorra said, more to himself than to Grimmjow. "Why would _you_ do that instead of tricking someone else?"

Orihime raised her hand. "Um, I can answer that," she said gleefully. "A lot of gossip comes through here every day, and I've gathered that most of the Espada think that you two are... well, you know... an item. Together. Lovers. Dating."

"They _what_?" hissed Ulquiorra in disbelief.

"Friends with benefits. Significant others."

"I get it."

"Romeo and Juliet. Jack and Sally."

"Enough!"

Orihime flinched, but still had to hide a grin. "Sorry. But you get it, right?"

Grimmjow snickered as he pulled a photo out of his pocket. "And now I can prove it!"

"You'd be humiliating yourself, too." Ulquiorra countered.

Grimmjow snickered. "Are you serious? I'm shameless! It'll take a lot more than a photo to humiliate me. _You_, however... What if Aizen sees it?"

"You wouldn't."

Orihime grinned evilly. "Doom to those who mess with my food! DOOM, I tell you!"

Grimmjow rolled her eyes. "Shut up while the men are talking, bitch."

"Ass." Orihime sat down on the floor.

4444

Las Noches was abuzz with the latest gossip by that evening. And needless to say, Ulquiorra was beyond pissed. As he walked down the hall with Gin, at least three people asked if Grimmjow knew he was spending so much time with someone else. All three left screaming.

"Damn him," Ulquiorra hissed. "I thought he'd just try and blackmail me."

"Are you venting or plotting?" Gin asked.

"Both."

"And the three you shot in the ass with cero just now...?"

"Venting. Though if I do the same to Grimmjow, it could be considered plotting, I guess."

Gin shook his head. "So, it seems they united after all," he said. "I was sure she knew what Grimmjow was up to, but I'm surprised she took such an active role in his pranks."

"What's your point?"

"If you would take a few of my ideas into consideration, maybe we could outsmart them again," Gin suggested.

Ulquiorra frowned. "I doubt we'll have a problem outsmarting them. I'm just worried about the next stupid thing they'll try."

Gin thought for a moment. "Well, if we're gonna beat them, we have ta start playing by their rules."

"Which rules?"

"Simple," Gin said. "Grimmjow sees this as a game. It's our turn now. If we don't pull a better prank on _him_, then he'll think he won."

"So what's our next move?" Ulquiorra asked suspiciously.

Gin grinned mischievously. "Revenge."


	5. Poison?

Title: Bartering

Pairings: none

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for inappropriate words

Summary: Orihime finds herself missing the comforts of home while in Las Noches. So, she decides to do some bartering with the only things she has on her. What are the consequences of giving certain objects to bored Espada?

Disclaimer: Since I'm still stuck writing fanfiction, I believe it's safe to say that I don't own Bleach.

Everyone, I love you so much! You've really made me a happy panda, and seriously, you've saved me from my near-suicide-watch. I've been suspended (pending expulsion) for hacking the school's mainframe and I was only nine days away from getting my diploma. Now I may have to settle for a GED. Thank you so much for making me so happy! Kisses and hugs and chocolate mint milano cookies for all!f

Chapter 5 – Poison

"In closing, I would like to remind a few of you that the potted plant on the fifth floor is _**not**_ a toilet." Aizen glared daggers at Grimmjow, who shrugged it off. "Also," he began with a hint of sarcasm. "I would like to thank whoever made those chocolates Gin gave me the other day. Absolutely delicious."

Everyone pointed at Ulquiorra, who glared at Grimmjow. Nnoitra grinned. "Lovers' quarrel?" he asked a little too sweetly.

"Ah, you know how he is," Grimmjow said, leaning back in his chair. "Let's just say we were up pretty late last—"

"One more word out of your cavernous pie-hole, Grimmjow, and I will rip your balls off and stick them in your eye sockets."

Szayel laughed. "Fiesty!" he snickered. "Right little fox!"

Ulquiorra glared. "Do you need to guess where I'll put your eyeballs if you don't shut up?"

Gin rolled his eyes. Ulquiorra had certainly been in better moods. "Well," he said, standing up slowly. "If that's all?"

Aizen nodded. "Yes, that's all. And Grimmjow, I mean it about the plant!"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it." Grimmjow made sure to rub against Ulquiorra as he passed, much to the amusement of the other Espada.

"Don't touch me," Ulquiorra hissed.

Grimmjow smirked. "That's not what you said last night."

Gin sighed. "Grimmjow, I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that I don' care ta hear the details of your sex life."

"Speak for yourself!" Szayel exclaimed. "Tell me everything!"

5555

For the sake of maintaining his calm façade in the eyes of the other Arrancar, Ulquiorra waited until he was back into his room to let loose the hurricane. "SON OF A BITCH!" he roared to no one in particular.

Gin dodged a random object as he opened the door. "Well, well, _some_one's angry!" he observed.

"I will slaughter Grimmjow if it's the last thing I do!" Ulquiorra snarled. "I'll kill him!"

"I believe you're forgettin our prank."

"Fuck the prank!"

Gin sighed. "I'll just give ya a few minutes to calm down, then we can resume plotting. Okay?"

"Go to hell!"

5555

Five minutes later, Gin and Ulquiorra found themselves outside the kitchen once again. "Ya know, there's no guarantee that we'll only get Grimmjow with this prank," Gin reminded Ulquiorra. "And we need ta be careful about what we drink too."

"Call it collateral damage. I have no problem with hitting anyone else with this prank."

Gin grinned mischievously. "Have ya ever heard the saying "La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid"?"

"Revenge is a dish best served cold?" Ulquiorra repeated. "What brought that up?"

Gin shrugged. "I jus' meant that those won' work if ya add them to hot water. Put them in something cold."

5555

Grimmjow flipped through Orihime's movie collection. "What's The Patriot about?" he asked.

Orihime sighed. "It's about the American Revolution in 1776."

"How 'bout this one? The Omen?"

"The son of the devil. The Antichrist. It's the 2006 remake."

They had looked through over half of Orihime's movie crate by the time Szaayel dropped by to remind them about dinner. "Oh, that's great!" Orihime exclaimed. "I'm starved!"

5555

The story of the laxative chocolates seemed to have spread throughout all of Las Noches by that evening, so needless to say, the desserts went untouched. Grimmjow, however, seemed positive that Ulquiorra wouldn't pull the same prank twice and helped himself to the remainder of Orihime's chocolates.

"Speak of the devil, has anyone seen Ulquiorra recently?" Nnoitra asked.

Grimmjow shrugged. "Probably in his room."

"You know, he's been spending a lot of time with Ichimaru," Loly said offhandedly. "Do you think he's cheating on you?"

Grimmjow rolled his eyes. "Doubt it," he said.

Orihime giggled. "Deep down, he really cares about Grimmjow. He wouldn't hurt him."

"Wouldn't I?"

Orihime paled and ducked under the table with an 'eep!' "There you are!" Grimmjow said. "I missed you!"

"Yes, I'm sure you did," Ulquiorra replied sarcastically. "But just for the record, you _do_ know that you suck in bed, right?"

Grimmjow's face reddened in anger. "Okay, fine, point for you," he grumbled. Then he thought of a good retort. "So is that why you've been spending so much time with Ichimaru?"

Orihime poked her head up so she could watch the exchange. Ulquiorra didn't look as... sad... as he normally did. Instead, the urge to kill was marked strongly across his face. "Uh, Grimmjow?" she squeaked. "Since... um... since my room was kind of destroyed, why don't we find a new place for me to stay?"

Whether Aizen was simply sensing the tension in the air, or if he thought Orihime was right, none would be sure. But regardless, he agreed with Orihime's suggestion. "Grimmjow, she can stay in your room until we repair the damage. Why don't you help her move her stuff?"

"Uh, because I'm talking with _him_?" Grimmjow argued.

"_Now_, Grimmjow."

Orihime got to her feet and dragged Grimmjow out of the room by his wrist.

5555

Later that night, however, Grimmjow realized something was wrong. "What. Did. You. _DO_?" Grimmjow hissed to Ulquiorra in a panicked rage.

"Grimmjow, it's two in the morning," Ulquiorra groaned. "And if you kiss me again, I'll bite your tongue off."

Grimmjow grabbed the Fourth by his shoulders. "You poisoned me, you piece of shit!" he roared. "I'm pissing BLUE! What the hell did you put in my food?"

Ulquiorra just stared at Grimmjow blankly. "Get out, or I'm throwing you through a wall."

5555

The next morning, there was chaos in Las Noches. Loly was being extra dramatic, asking everyone else if they were pissing blue as well, and insisting it was a deadly disease that killed in twenty-four hours. "I only have three hours left to live!" she bawled. "Who would do this?"

"This has Grimmjow written all over it!" Szayel said. "Who else would do something like this?"

Grimmjow glared at him as he passed. "It was Ulquiorra," he snapped. "He's pissed at me."

"Would you care to explain _why_ I'm pissed at you?" Ulquiorra prompted.

"Fuck you sideways!"

Ulquiorra nodded. "Close. But if you don't want to die, maybe you should tell the whole story."

"Fine, fine! I'll tell!" Grimmjow said, defeated. "That picture was a prank. He was half-asleep when I did that." He rounded on the fourth. "There! I told them. Now where's the antidote?"

"What antidote?" Ulquiorra said, shrugging. "They're dye pills. The effects should wear off in about a week."

Grimmjow's eye twitched as Ulquiorra walked away. "He got me," he muttered to himself.


	6. Femme Fatale

Title: Bartering

Pairings: none

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for inappropriate words

Summary: Orihime finds herself missing the comforts of home while in Las fNoches. So, she decides to do some bartering with the only things she has on her. What are the consequences of giving certain objects to bored Espada?

Disclaimer: Not mine. The plot kudos go to the sadistic genius GirlLoki! I really pity Ulquiorra right now...

Rei: Okay, so I got a great idea from GirlLoki! I must admit, it does seem a tad bit cruel, but still... I would love to see this really happen!

Grimmjow: Sheer genius!

Ulquiorra: Not funny.

* * *

Chapter 6 – Femme Fatale

Orihime's wakeup call was, in a way, different from all her previous calls to consciousness. Someone was screaming, but it didn't sound like Grimmjow this time. In fact, it didn't sound like _any_one she knew, except maybe Loly, but Loly just didn't have that kind of air capacity in her lungs.

She expected Grimmjow to come bursting into her room and brag, but it wasn't until nearly five hours later that her door burst open and Grimmjow stumbled in, face red with laughter and thoroughly out of breath. "What did you do to Loly?" Orihime asked.

For some reason, her question sent Grimmjow into another fit of creepy laughter. "L-Loly?" he snickered, sinking to the floor. "That wasn't _Loly_!"

"Well, who was it?" Orihime asked, positive that she was missing something. "What did you do?"

"Long story. But I'm sure you'll figure it out soon enough."

Orihime pouted. "Now you _have_ to tell me!" she whined. "Am I your partner in crime or what?"

Grimmjow rolled his eyes. "Okay, we'll do it your way. I'll trade you. I'll tell you the story if you give me your bra."

"My… bra?" Orihime repeated, blushing. "Why would you want my—?"

"Just let me explain what I did, and it'll make sense."

Orihime nodded and sat on the floor next to him. "Let's hear it!"

Grimmjow finally calmed down enough to speak coherently. "It started last night…"

6666

Grimmjow had been up for hours, roaming the halls of Las Noches, feeling the inner wheels of his mind spin. Something had to be done. Pissing blue for a week was bad, but Grimmjow could deal with that. No, his _problem_ was that smug bastard Ulquiorra.

And he knew his problem could be solved with one fell swoop. One ingenious plan. One devious plot… that he just couldn't seem to think of.

He was thinking back to the humiliating event when he suddenly found himself outside Szayel's lab, and idly wondered whether or not the Octava Espada could help him in his quest for revenge. He probably could, but could and would were two entirely different words, especially when it came to crossing the higher-ranking arrancar.

Grumbling slightly, he pushed the door open. Empty. Szayel was nowhere to be seen, so Grimmjow could only assume he was asleep. 'Well,' he thought, 'Let's see what ol' Pinky's working on.'

He was both pleased and annoyed to find that every box in the room was neatly labeled and organized along the back wall, and the table closest to the window was covered in jars, arranged alphabetically and all in a uniform arrangement.

All in all, it was too neat for Grimmjow's tastes.

That, and it smelled funny.

Grimmjow began reading through the labels on the jars. "Aconite, Arsenic, Bitter Apple, Cyanide, Hemlock…" He frowned. What the hell was the Eighth doing with such a rainbow of poisons? He'd have to remember to watch what he ate from now on.

'Didn't Ulquiorra prove that to you twice, though?' a part of his mind asked.

As the little voice's words sank in, Grimmjow pocketed a small vial of arsenic. Just in case.

He continued reading through the labels, and some almost made him snicker. "Love potion? Why the fuck does he need a love potion?" Then, he saw something that caught his interest. "Switching Solution?" he read curiously. "Switching what?"

Shrugging, he pocketed the jar and hurried out of the lab to the safety of his room.

The next morning couldn't come fast enough.

6666

As much as Grimmjow wanted to have a witness to his genius, he knew that if Orihime was with him, he would only look suspicious. So he let her sleep in and brought a small amount of the Switching Solution with him. He grinned as he poured himself a drink. He was curious to know how the substance worked, and decided that Ulquiorra would make for an excellent lab rat.

"What are you looking at?" Ulquiorra snapped.

Grimmjow started. "Oh, nothin'," he said. "Look, I… um… I wanted to apologize. About the whole photo thing."

Ulquiorra did a double-take. "_What?_" he exclaimed. "Grimmjow, I am getting tired of your pranks. Leave me alone."

"No, really," he lied. "I mean it. I should've got back at you myself instead of getting the rest of those bastards to do it for me. So… yeah. Sorry."

He shook his head. "Now I _know_ I'm still asleep," he said with a sigh. "So, in other words, Aizen-sama found you at fault for this whole mess?"

Grimmjow shrugged and set his cup down on the table. "Well, he's not too thrilled with _you_, exactly."

"I didn't think he would be."

They were silent for a moment. "So I guess this whole thing is over, then?" Grimmjow said finally, picking up one of the cups from the table.

Ulquiorra frowned. "That's up to you."

Rolling his eyes, Grimmjow drained the cup and put it back on the table. "Well, I'll see ya later."

Once Grimmjow was out of earshot, Gin laughed softly. "Don't tell me you actually bought that act."

"Of course not," Ulquiorra replied. "He's up to something." He picked up his cup and glanced at the dark liquid inside. "I didn't see him put anything in here…" he muttered.

6666

"So that's how I got him to drink it," Grimmjow said proudly. "And I must say, I am the best liar in the whole fuckin' world!"

Orihime giggled. "So you poured the stuff in _your_ drink, then switched it with Ulquiorra's?"

Grimmjow nodded. "I still can't fucking believe it worked! I mean, there's no way in hell he'd buy that load of shit!"

"What did that stuff do?" Orihime asked. "Switching Solution? Don't tell me you turned him into a kitten or something."

"Naah," Grimmjow replied with a smirk. "There's only enough room for one cat in this dump, and that's me. No, it was even better than a cat."

He continued his story.

6666

After half an hour of waiting, Grimmjow was beginning to think the Switching Solution didn't work after all. Maybe it wasn't designed to work on Hollows. Or, perhaps Pinky simply hadn't perfected it yet.

Then he heard it.

A loud, ear-splitting feminine shriek echoing through the hallway. "Who the hell…?" Grimmjow muttered, following the sound to another room. He hadn't took the time to realize which room he was in, but at first, he thought he had encountered one of the other arrancar he'd never cared to notice.

And frankly, he couldn't see why he'd never spoken to this woman before.

Her face was mostly shadowed, but Grimmjow could still see her wide, glistening green eyes above her alabaster cheeks. Her long, dark hair was rather messy, but it just gave her an appealing 'just-got-fucked' look. Grimmjow thought about making a move on her, but something about her struck him as forbidding. Whom did she remind him of?

"What the hell did you do to me?" she shrieked.

"What are you talking about?" Grimmjow said, surprised. "I've never met you before in my life, and believe me, if I had, I'd certainly remember."

She looked up, and the light hit her face. Realization hit Grimmjow like a freight train the moment he saw the mask and the markings on her face. Grimmjow's eyes bugged. "No _fucking_ way!" he exclaimed with a huge grin. "Ulquiorra?"

"Stuff it, Grimmjow! You said these immature pranks were over!" Grimmjow might have taken him seriously if he didn't have the voice of a high-school girl.

"Yeah, well, I lied." Grimmjow couldn't hold it in any longer. He started laughing. Hard. Ulquiorra glared as the sixth fell to his knees, tears pouring from his eyes as he clutched his ribs.

"Yes, I'm sure this is quite amusing, Grimmjow." Ulquiorra snarled. "You've had your laugh. Now change me back."

Grimmjow snickered. "Now why would I want to do that?" he wheezed. "You're so hot as a chick! Seriously, I could get used to having to take crap from a hot piece of ass like you! Dominatrix!"

"Grimmjow, NOW!"

Grimmjow shrugged. "'Fraid I can't. I just grabbed it from Szayel's lab. I don't know if he made an antidote or whatever." He grinned again. "God, and just when I thought you couldn't get any smaller—!"

The resulting blast sent him flying six feet in the air and through the door. "Get the fuck up, Grimmjow!" he roared in that wonderfully cute effeminate voice. Grimmjow almost giggled. "GET UP! You're going to fix this, or I am going to murder you!"

"I'm sure _Aizen-sama_ wouldn't be too pleased with that."

"TO HELL WITH AIZEN!" he all but screamed. "If you don't change me back, whoever cleans up your remains will be scrubbing your liquidized flesh off the floor with a toothbrush."

Grimmjow covered his mouth with his hand in an attempt to stifle his laughter. "Fine, fine. Look, I'm sure Pinky noticed the stuff I took was gone, so he probably made something to reverse the effects."

Orihime was practically screaming from laughing so hard. "You… you turned him into a girl?" she laughed. "Grimmjow, you're a genius!"

Grimmjow smirked proudly. "Oh, just wait. It gets better!"

He tried to keep from laughing as he picked up where he left off.

6666

"I _knew_ you took it!" Szayel exclaimed. "I just knew it!"

"So if you knew he took it, you obviously made an antidote in the likely event that he might put it in everyone's drink," Ulquiorra prompted.

Szayel studied the fourth for several long minutes, muttering to himself and shaking his head. "Well, I've decided," he said finally.

"Decided what?"

Szayel shrugged. "Nelliel had much more impressive tits."

Ulquiorra's full-armed slap sent Szayel flying, and Girmmjaw started laughing again. "You're even _acting_ like a chick now!" he exclaimed. "Only chicks slap guys like that!"

"Well, for what it's worth…" Szayel said with a grin. "You _do_ make a really hot girl."

"Can you fix it or not?"

Szayel chewed his lower lip in thought. "Not right now, I can't. Give me a day or two, though, and I might be able to."

"Better than never, I suppose," Ulquiorra said in resignation.

"Is it really _that_ bad?" Grimmjow asked. "I mean, seriously! You're really hot as a chick!"

Ulquiorra rolled his eyes. "I think this body is rejecting me. Or is it just naturally painful to be a woman?"

Szayel and Grimmjow exchanged surprised looks. "Uh, that stuff didn't… did it?" Grimmjow asked.

Szayel winced. "Yes, I believe it did."

"What?" Ulquiorra asked, oblivious.

Grimmjow sighed. "You'll figure it out."

6666

"No. Way!" Orihime exclaimed. "Grimmjow, you're awful!"

"I know, right?" Grimmjow said proudly. "But you have to hear the rest of the story before you die laughing."

Orihime took a few calming breaths. "Okay, so he's been turned into a girl, he's stuck like that, and he's getting cramps. What _else_ could happen?"

Grimmjow snickered. "The worst thing imaginable. I bet you've been through it countless times."

"Oh no…"

"Oh yes. Hormonal rage."

Orihime shrieked in laughter.

6666

"Ow! Shit, bitch! It was a compliment!" one random arrancar exclaimed as he limped away from Ulquiorra as fast as he could.

"That'll teach you not to grab my ass!" Ulquiorra shouted, wiping the blood off his hands. "Pervert."

"Damn, _some_one's a bit touchy today," Grimmjow observed. "He was complimenting you! He said so himself."

Ulquiorra slumped to the ground. "This is all your fault, Grimmjow. I swear, if my getting changed back didn't depend on your survival, I would beat you until you stopped moving." He wrapped his arms around his knees and sighed. "I admit, it's going to hard to top this one."

"What do you mean?"

"These pranks," groaned Ulquiorra. "I just… can't keep up anymore."

Grimmjow's eyes widened with sheer mirth. "Are you… crying?"

"No!" he sniffled. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"Grimmjow, what did you do to her?" Gin asked as he caught sight of the situation. "Torturing everyone at Las Noches is one thing, but I thought you were above torturing beautiful—oh my god!" He broke off, stunned. "Ulquiorra? Is that you?"

"Y-yes," he sobbed. "Just look what he d-did to me!"

Gin glanced at Grimmjow. "How on earth did you make him cry?"

"PMS," Grimmjow said dully. "He's been screaming at me since it happened, and after the fourth person groped him, he finally started crying." He grinned. "I am never going to let him live this down."

Gin snickered and walked away, shaking his head. As he left, another random hollow walked by and gave Grimmjow a disgusted look.

"The fuck are you lookin' at?" Grimmjow snapped.

"You made _another_ girl cry? And one as hot as that?" He knelt beside Ulquiorra. "Hey, cutie, don't listen to Grimmjow. He's always like this."

"I know," Ulquiorra replied scathingly.

The other arrancar had obviously missed the Fourth's tone. "Though he's usually not this mean to women as beautiful as you. I'll bet you look even prettier when you smile."

Ulquiorra simply glared. "Who the hell are you?"

The arrancar didn't reply, and instead pulled Ulquiorra into a deep, sloppy kiss. It lasted maybe two seconds before he pulled back screaming with a mouthful of blood. Ulquiorra spat out half of the Hollow's tongue. "Wha' ta hell?" slurred the other Hollow, grabbing Ulquiorra by his shirt. "Dub bidch!"

Grimmjow snickered slightly, mentally daring the Hollow to slap Ulquiorra. He wasn't disappointed. And he wasn't disappointed by Ulquiorra's retaliation, either, which could only be described as an explosion. The other Hollow all but vaporized, coating Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, the walls, the floor and the ceiling in a fine mist of blood and bone.

"Son of a bitch!" exclaimed Grimmjow happily. "That was amazing!"

"I wasn't lying when I said people would be cleaning up liquidized flesh with toothbrushes, you know."

Grimmjow wiped the blood out of his eyes. "You know, I think you're stronger as a girl. Y'know, with the hormonal PMS and shit."

He'd half-expected to get kicked in the nuts, but instead, Ulquiorra just looked confused. "What's PMS?" he asked.

Grimmjow face-planted into the floor. "You gotta be shittin' me!" he exclaimed. "You don't know what PMS is?"

"Obviously not, or I wouldn't be asking you."

With a sigh, Grimmjow began explaining. Ulquiorra's expression went from curious… to surprised… to disgusted… to terrified. "So basically, women bleed a dead baby out their pussy every month!" Grimmjow finished with a smirk. "Any questions?"

Ulquiorra just looked like he was going to vomit. "Yes. Just one."

"Okay, shoot."

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?"

Grimmjow yelped and covered his ears. "Sheesh, watch it with the screaming! Yes, I'm serious! Ask Hallibel if you don't believe me!"

Ulquiorra groaned pathetically. "Grimmjow, why are you making me gay?"

6666

"Did he ask Halibel, then?" Orihime asked eagerly.

Grimmjow seemed to find this extremely funny. "Actually, no. He decided to ask Starrk."

Orihime fell over laughing. "That idiot! Why didn't he ask me?"

"Maybe because you're my official partner in crime?" Grimmjow said sarcastically. "He thought I was making the whole thing up."

Orihime shook her head. "I wish you were. It really sucks."

"Yeah, no shit. But it was funny watching him go through it."

6666

"You cannot possibly comprehend just how much I hate you right now," Ulquiorra hissed.

Grimmjow shrugged. "Well, I've got a pretty good idea."

"Oh, _do_ you?" he snapped angrily. "Last I checked, no one turned you into a woman!"

Grimmjow started counting off on his fingers. "Well, first, you're getting your ass grabbed by almost every male who passes you. That must suck. Second, you're PMSing something terrible, so you're randomly screaming and crying, which is actually pretty funny."

"YOU THINK THIS IS _FUNNY_?"

"See, there you go with that damn screaming again," Grimmjow laughed. "But you're right. This isn't funny." He grinned even wider. "It's fucking hilarious!"

"Right, _that_ does it!" Ulquiorra pounced Grimmjow and wrapped his tiny hands around the sixth's throat as best he could.

Grimmjow flipped him off with one hand. "Geez, I take back what I said about you being stronger. You're so puny, I can just toss you around like a kid!" Ulquiorra didn't reply. Instead, he remained curled up on the floor, clutching his stomach. "Oh, come on! I didn't hurt you!"

Ulquiorra glared. "You couldn't hurt me even if you tried, Grimmjow."

"Then why are you—OH!" He broke down laughing with realization. "You're on your own now."

"I hate you."

6666

"So, what happened then?"

Grimmjow shrugged. "No clue. As far as I know, he's still in his room."

"Wait, you're just leaving him like that?" Orihime asked, indignant. "You can't do that!"

"Well, what could I do? I ain't helping him with that!"

Orihime laughed. "No, that's not what I meant." She pulled some makeup out of her bag. "Get it yet?"

Grimmjow grinned one of his 'make-the-children-piss-their-pants' grins. "Are all women this evil, or is it just you?"

"Nope, we're all bitches!" Orihime giggled sweetly. "Besides, who am I to refuse aid to a fellow woman! And if I do recall correctly…" Her smile turned evil. "He's the one who made me piss blue for a week! Something must be done."

6666

"You're serious?" Aizen asked bluntly.

"Unfortunately, yes," Gin replied. "It seems they're goin all-out now."

Aizen groaned and rested his head in his head. "So what are they? Espada or teenagers?"

Gin shook his head slightly. "Maturity doesn' always come with power," he said simply. "If they're gonna act like children, maybe you should treat em like children."

"What, send them to their rooms?" Aizen snorted.

"Well, maybe not THAT much like children..."

Aizen laughed softly. "I doubt that would put an end to their pranks," he said. "Perhaps I should show them what a _real_ prank is."

* * *

Author's note: Okay, I'm sorry for that bout of torture, but if you guys had half as much fun reading this as I did writing it, everything should be fine. …I hope. And I am very happy these guys aren't real people, or I would probably be dead now.


	7. Here Kitty Kitty Kitty!

Title: Bartering

Pairings: none

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for... well, you'll figure it out.

Summary: Orihime finds herself missing the comforts of home while in Las Noches. So, she decides to do some bartering with the only things she has on her. What are the consequences of giving certain objects to bored Espada?

Disclaimer: Not mine. The plot kudos go to GirlLoki and Alowl.

Chapter 7 – Here Kitty Kitty Kitty!

Two days later, Grimmjofw awoke with a feeling of giddiness. He tried to focus on his surroundings, but for some reason, a monkey with cymbals kept running around in his head. He stumbled out of bed and suddenly, everything clicked.

Catnip.

LOTS of catnip.

EVERYWHERE.

"Oh... shit."

For a second, he just stared. Only for a second, though, mind you. Then he started kicking at it, pawing at it, rolling in it, and giggling crazily for about five minutes.

"Whoa, wait, wait!" he said suddenly, shaking his head. "What the fuck am I doing?"

And that was the last coherent thought Grimmjow had for a long, long time.

7777

"I haven't seen Grimmjow today," Szayel observed. "Ulquiorra, what did you do to him?"

Ulquiorra choked and started coughing madly. "Wh-what... makes you... _I_ did..."

Szayel shrugged. "Your reaction says it all."

"So, what did you do?" Nnoitra asked.

"Did it have anything to do with all that pot you had?" Starrk added.

Hallibel looked up. "What pot?"

Ulquiorra sighed. "It was catnip."

"Catnip?" Starrk repeated. "What on earth could you do with catnip?" He thought for a moment. "OH!

"So basically," Halibel said. "Grimmjow is going to be stoned out of his brain cells today and we're going to be subjected to his stupidity?"

"Um... yes?" Ulquiorra replied hesitantly.

Hallibel sighed. "How exactly is this revenge for you getting turned into a girl?"

Ulquiorra smirked, a very rare and unwelcome sight for those who do not like horror films. "Well, if I told you, there wouldn't be any surprise, now would there?"

"If you broke into my lab again, I'm going to turn you back into a girl!" Szayel threatened. "Permanently, this time!" He thought for a moment. "AND I'll get you pregnant!"

"WHAT?"

"You're a guy?" Hallibel asked, feigning surprise.

Szayel blushed. "YES, I'm a guy, and I'll prove it by getting HIM pregnant!"

Ulquiorra shook his head. "I have just one thing to say to that," he said. "Faggot."

"Yeah, you're one to talk," Nnoitra said. "After a traumatizing event like that, I doubt you could ever look at a chick the same way."

It was just then that Grimmjow walked in with an extremely goofy look on his face... and a handful of catnip in his left hand.

"I wonder if you can smoke this?" he muttered to himself, sitting next to Ulquiorra.

Hallibel arched an eyebrow. "So, what's this revenge plan of yours?"

Ulquiorra shrugged. "Have fun, everyone. He's your new toy for the day. Do whatever you want to him."

Szayel grinned. "ANYthing?" he repeated, eyes glinting as he imagined all the experiments he could try and all the chemical compounds he might find in the stoned Espada's blood and...

"Faggot."

"I didn't mean it like that!"

However, as Ulquiorra turned to leave, he was immediately pulled to the floor. "What the hell?"

"You're leaving?" Grimmjow whined. "No!"

"Grimmjow, get off me!"

"Never!"

"NOW!

"NO!"

Szayel was the first to laugh. Then at pretty much the same time, everyone else joined in. "This isn't funny," Ulquiorra grumbled.

"I LOVE YOU!" Grimmjow giggled, squeezing the fourth in a very tight hug.

"Grimmjow... can't... breathe... need... oxygen..."

Szayel fell out of his seat laughing. "Some revenge plan!"

"You can't leave," Nnoitra added. "Aren't you going to get your revenge? Or was leaving him with _us_ the revenge?"

"Yes... that was... kind of... the... point... LET GO, Grimmjow!"

Hallibel smirked. "You think so highly of us, Ulquiorra," she said sweetly. "But what on earth could we do to humiliate Grimmjow? Only you can do that."

"Why me?"

Starrk shrugged. "Isn't that the rule of your prank war or something?" he asked.

"What prank—" he broke off as everyone in the room glared at him. "If there're any rules, Grimmjow would know them. He started the whole thing."

"What do I know?" Grimmjow asked innocently.

Hallibel suddenly got an idea. She pulled a piece of thread off her clothes and dangled it in front of Grimmjow's face. "Hallibel, what are you doing?" Nnoitra asked.

"Just watch." She shook the thread, and Grimmjow's eyes followed it. Suddenly, he pawed at it, once... twice... again and again until he was purring contentedly with the string in his hands.

"How cute!" Loly exclaimed, kneeling beside Grimmjow to pet him. "He's like a kitten!"

"Well, if he's content now..." Ulquiorra stood up again and tried to sneak out, but Grimmjow had other plans. He swatted Loly away ("Grimmjow, you asshole!" she shrieked) and pounced on the fourth, sending both of them skidding across the floor.

"Don't leave me!" he bawled, clinging to Ulquiorra like his life depended on it.

"Grimmjow, knock it off!" he snapped. "You're acting like a child!"

Grimmjow looked up at him with sparkly chibi eyes. "Please?"

The room's occupants laughed even harder. "Looks like you're stuck with Grimmjow today," Szayel observed.

7777

"Will you stop following me already?" Ulquiorra said for the umpteenth time.

"No!" Grimmjow said stubbornly.

Ulquiorra sighed. "Well, I actually have something for you to do. Could you handle that?"

Grimmjow thought for a moment. "Will you stay with me?"

"No. this requires a more… delicate touch. I need you to do this yourself."

After about a minute of thought, Grimmjow smiled. "Okay! What is it?"

Ulquiorra opened a door. "I need you to stay in here for a few hours, okay?"

"Okay!" Grimmjow said enthusiastically, leaning in and pressing a kiss to the Fourth. He then hurried inside as Ulquiorra slammed the door shut behind him.

"Grimmjow!" Orihime said happily. Then her smile fell. "Are you… high?"

Grimmjow snorted. "No," he said, amused. "I crashed hours ago. But don't tell Ulquiorra."

Orihime blinked. "Um, why not?"

"Because," Grimmjow said pointedly. "I'm going to get away with a shit-ton of ridiculous crap... _and_ get Ulquiorra in serious trouble with his precious Aizen-sama."

Orihime giggled madly. "You're wonderful, Grimmjow!" she squealed, hugging him. "What's on the agenda for today? And whatever it is, may I help?"

"But of course, my darling little bitch," Grimmjow said, bowing chivalrously. "You're my accomplice in wrongdoing, right?"

"Um, I believe the phrase is 'partner in crime', Grimmjow."

"What the fuck ever. Now let's go. We've got a lot of work to do."

They wandered the halls for about an hour, holding hands, each passing second making Orihime more and more antsy. "What are we doing, Grimmjow?" she hissed. "I'm not supposed to be out here."

"Exactly," Grimmjow muttered in reply. "Just pretend we're having fun."

"Okay…" Orihime said, before giggling innocently and smiling. "So, Grimmjow, where are we going?"

Grimmjow grinned like a stoner. "You'll see…"

They were interrupted by another voice. "Grimmjow," said Gin. "You know Inoue is supposed to be in 'er room."

Grimmjow dragged Orihime over to Gin. "Yeah, I know, but it's okay now, see?" he said sweetly, pulling Orihime along by her hand. "This is Orihime, my Hallway Wife!"

Gin knocked on the side of Grimmjow's head. "Are ya high?"

"Nuh-uh!" Grimmjow said, grinning like a loon. "Want some catnip?"

"You're stoned!" Gin laughed. "Where did ya get that?"

Grimmjow thought for a moment. "It was a present. I woke up and it was everywhere! Like little clumps of green clouds!"

Gin shook his head. "Well, you and your Hallway Wife should go back ta the room, and I'll find Ulquiorra." He nudged Grimmjow and Orihime. "Go. Now. Have fun consummating yer Hallway Marriage."

"What?" Orihime exclaimed. Grimmjow giggled insanely.

7777

As the two left, Gin shook his head and made his way to Aizen's office. This ought to be good.

Aizen was feeling paranoid. For the past hour, he'd felt like someone was either watching him or messing with his teapot. Either way, someone was about to die. The knock on his door not only managed to alert him to a presence on the other side of the wooden object, but it managed to send him jumping out of his skin.

"It's jus' me," Gin said with a smirk. "Paranoid much?"

"As a matter of fact, yes," Aizen grumbled. "Where's Grimmjow?"

Gin snickered. "Funny ya should ask," he said. "I just ran into him. He had a Hallway Wedding—whatever that is—and married the woman, Orihime. I don' think it's legally binding, however, seeing as he was so high on catnip he was practic'ly floating."

Aizen blinked, mouth slightly agape. "All I caught was Hallway Wedding, Orihime, and floating."

Gin sighed, and broke his news into chunks suitable for a very paranoid Aizen. "Grimmjow had a Hallway Wedding with Orihime while he was stoned off his ass on catnip."

With a sigh, Aizen went to grab his teapot. "And where was Ulquiorra during this event?" he asked, pouring both Gin and himself a cup of golden tea. "Funny, I thought this kind of tea was darker…" he muttered.

"Prob'ly hiding from Grimmjow," Gin said, gratefully accepting his cup. "From what I heard, Grimmjow gets a wee bit clingy towards him while high."

Aizen shook his head and took a sip of his tea… and abruptly spat it back out. "Oh my god!" he spluttered. "I am going to kill Grimmjow!"

"What's wrong?" Gin sniffed his tea. "OH." He stared at the golden liquid, then burst out laughing as he heard two sets of footsteps hurry away from the door. "Somethin' tells me Grimmjow is pretending to be high."

"What makes you say that?" Aizen said, gargling water.

"Grimmjow and his Hallway Wife were listenin in jus' a minute ago. They seem aware of what happened."

Aizen dumped the "tea" out the window. "Well, I am going to slaughter both Grimmjow AND Ulquiorra. This has gone far enough."

* * *

Author's Note: Wow… jeez… sorry about the slow updates, guys! See, my Great and Wonderful computer, Mr. Game and Watch, crashed over the holiday season, and we had to wipe him clean. So, yeah. I hope to have a better update schedule in the future, but I must finish updating a few other stories first… GUH! This is so confusing! But anyways, thanks to all who stuck with me this whole time! You guys pwn with sauce!


	8. Orihime Strikes Back!

Title: Bartering

Pairings: none

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG13 for... you should know by now.

Summary: Orihime finds herself missing the comforts of home while in Las Noches. So, she decides to do some bartering with the only things she has on her. What are the consequences of giving certain objects to bored Espada?

Disclaimer: Still not mine. But hey, I can dream, right? Also, special thanks to Kimiko for getting me hooked on Bleach again! I still can't believe the sheer amount of crack we come up with…

An explanation: I am very VERY sorry for my slow (or lack of) updates. I recently befell some personal tragedy and subsequently had a life-changing epiphany, which included taking a greater role in my family life. This chapter is lovingly dedicated to Wayne Kenneth Snyder, who always made everyone laugh.

* * *

Chapter 8 – Orihime Strikes Back!

Ulquiorra had never seen the kitchen in Las Noches so busy before. But then again, what with the horrendous results of the outbreak of food and drink related pranks / gender-bendings / poisonings, no one seemed to trust their food to be taken out of their sight for even a second. And thus, everyone decided to cook for themselves.

And on that note, Ulquiorra was starting to feel paranoid. Not that anyone could tell by looking at him. People generally didn't pay enough attention to him to know what every twitch of his eye meant, save Gin and Grimmjow. And sometimes Szayel, on a creepier note. And the people who were paying attention to him now weren't looking at his face.

Ulquiorra made a mental note to kill Szayel as soon as he got the antidote.

It had been three weeks since Aizen chewed Ulquiorra and Grimmjow out for the catnip and urine tea incident (and for every other smidgen of trouble they'd caused over the past month), but Ulquiorra was positive that the four hour long screaming bout/rant/loud and lengthy description of their shortcomings would not discourage Grimmjow and Orihime from pulling a retaliation prank.

Yes, no way around it: Ulquiorra was paranoid. There was the ever-present sense of impending doom clouding his mind. When he would walk through the hall, he could feel Grimmjow's eyes on him. When he was alone in his room, he could practically hear Grimmjow's voice. When he thought about anything, the idea of what Grimmjow was planning to do to him invaded his mind.

Then he thought about how much this was starting to sound like a really corny yaoi fanfic… The author smacked herself in the face and continued.

Gin was the first to notice. "You're awfully twitchy today," he observed as Ulquiorra jumped slightly at the loud _snap_ of a door closing.

"Am I?" came the sarcastic reply. "Can't imagine why." His eye gave an involuntary twitch as someone uttered the name 'Grimmjow' in passing.

Gin poked Ulquiorra's arm, and was rewarded with a barely audible yelp. "The suspense is killing you, isn't it?"

"Not in the slightest," Ulquiorra replied haughtily. The façade was ruined as he glanced over his shoulder for the umpteenth time. "Maybe a bit," he admitted finally. "I don't know if he's given up on this childish prank war or if he's plotting something I will finally kill him for."

8888

The truth was somewhere in between.

Grimmjow had been plotting, yes, but to no avail. At the moment, he was on his way to visit Orihime with a bag of curry-sugar popcorn, a bowl of soba with watermelon chunks and mayonnaise, and a liter of strawberry-banana soda, all of which he'd fetched from her house.

"Oh, good, you're back!" Orihime said, taking the popcorn and fruit-and-mayo soba from Grimmjow's arms. "I'm so glad you decided to watch a movie with me!"

"Don't think this is gonna become a regular thing," Grimmjow warned. "I just need to keep hidden so Ulquiorra thinks I'm up to something."

Orihime arched an eyebrow as she licked some mayo off her fingertip. "But you ARE up to something, right?"

Grimmjow rolled his eyes as he sat against the wall. "You bet your ass I'm up to something!" he scoffed. "Do you have ANY idea what that fucking catnip did to me?" Orihime stared at him blankly. "I was dry-humping my pillow for hours! And my bed, and the wall, and the toilet, and my—Oh, shut UP, bitch! It's not _that_ funny!"

Orihime choked and sprayed soba broth out her nose, laughing her ass off. "I hope someone videotaped that!" she spluttered.

"I thought you were on my side, you whore!" Grimmjow exclaimed, indignant.

Orihime giggled, patting Grimmjow on the head. "If _I_ was dry-humping a pillow and a toilet, _you'd _want to see that, wouldn't you?"

"No."

"Aww, don't be like that, Grimmy!"

"Shut up! Now let's watch that goddamned movie."

Now, Grimmjow, surprisingly enough, did not actually have a plan. But, then again, when did that ever stop him? As with almost every other aspect of his life, he preferred to 'wing it'. Not that 'winging it' really did any good. If he had been thinking clearly (or at all), he would clearly remember the last time he decided to 'wing it', which ended with his left arm forcibly parting company with his body.

After pressing him for details throughout the entire duration of Friday the Thirteenth, Orihime began to catch on. And fortunately, she had a better memory than Grimmjow when it pertained to the gruesome injuries she had to fix, so she decided to intervene by presenting an idea of her own.

"There is NO WAY you're doing that!" Grimmjow exclaimed as Orihime fumbled for the remote control. "Aizen will kill you, and then me if he finds out I'm in on it!"

Orihime giggled. "How sweet, Grimmy! You're worried about me!"

Grimmjow's eye twitched. "I'm not worried about _**you**_. I would just prefer not doing something that will make 'His Holiness' decide that I'd be more useful as kitty kabobs."

"Aizen wouldn't do that just because of a simple prank!" Orihime replied uncertainly. "He didn't kill you for trying to kill Kurosaki-kun, so chances are—"

"He's already at the end of his rope with me!" Grimmjow snapped.

"Really?" Orihime arched an eyebrow. "Well, whose fault is that? You're the one who peed in his teapot!"

"It was _**your**_ idea, though!" Grimmjow retorted angrily.

"Details, details," shrugged Orihime. "Look, Grimmjow. My plan is perfect. And Aizen doesn't need to know you had anything to do with it. In fact…" Orihime giggled. "Chances are, Ulquiorra's gonna catch all the heat for this one!"

Grimmjow sighed. "You know what? Fine. Do it. But don't say I didn't warn you."

8888

Days passed. And while many residents of Las Noches were taking great pleasure in the lack of obnoxious pranks, Ulquiorra was getting more and more paranoid. Normally, he would ignore Grimmjow's antics, but every time they made eye contact, Grimmjow would smirk evilly, as if to say, "Just wait until you see what I did!" Even Orihime seemed to be giving him the "Just you wait" looks.

Now, Ulquiorra would never admit to losing sleep over this. Nor would he admit that he'd been eating much less due to memories of the last time he didn't pay careful attention to his drink. No, he'd never admit it. But Gin noticed anyways.

"You're letting him get to you," Gin said as Ulquiorra rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"I am not," Ulquiorra yawned. "I've just been up late doing work for—"

Gin interrupted. "Aizen hasn't asked you to do any extra work."

"What would you have me do?" snapped the Fourth. "Walk into another one of his traps and get turned into something unnatural?"

"That's not what I was suggesting," said Gin lightly. When Ulquiorra looked confused, Gin continued. "Last I checked, I wasn't the only one here who enjoys playing around with peoples' heads. And ya definitely have experience with some rather nasty mind games. Just sayin'…"

As Gin walked away, probably to wherever Aizen was, Ulquiorra almost smirked. Almost. However, his moment of potential triumph died as he felt a surge of Aizen's reiatsu fill the hall in a rather threatening manner, leaving behind a feeling more along the lines of, 'Oh crap, what did I do _this_ time?'

8888

By the time he reached the ridiculously large doors of what the residents of Las Noches had dubbed the 'room with the big-ass chair' (even though Aizen had expressed his displeasure at it being called that), he became aware of another reiatsu just beyond the doors.

Inoue Orihime.

"Oh gods, what _now_?" he muttered to himself, pushing the doors open.

"Ah, Ulquiorra," Aizen said in his 'I'm-a-nice-kind-loving-father-figure-guy-but-not-really-you-sucker' voice. "It seems we have small problem here."

Ulquiorra briefly shot Orihime a filthy glare before replying, "What would that problem be, Aizen-sama?"

"Well, Inoue-san has declared-" he began, before Orihime suddenly cut him off.

"I'm going on strike!" she exclaimed. "All it's been since I got here is 'Inoue, heal this; Inoue, eat that; Inoue, do this; Inoue, don't do that!' I'm sick of it! I want better working conditions, or I'm not gonna help you people anymore!"

Ulquiorra's glare became more pronounced. "I don't see what you're complaining about. My offer to strap you to the table and force the food down your throat still stands, you know."

"See?" Orihime exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at the Cuarto. "See what I mean? That isn't nice, and I refuse to work under these conditions!"

"_Work?_" Ulquiorra repeated doubtfully. "All you do is sit in your room and plot with Grimmjow!"

"That wasn't very nice, either!" Orihime exclaimed. "Showing Aizen-sama my power is a _lot_ of work, and plotting with Grimmjow is a lot of work too! It would be easier if you hadn't teamed up with Ichimaru!"

There was a sudden ringing silence throughout the throne room and Aizen turned his head sharply to glare at Gin, whose smile dropped like a stone, and instead adopted a humble, rather apologetic look.

"If it would please Aizen-sama, I would be more than happy to persuade Inoue against whatever it is she's attempting," Ulquiorra said with a rather nasty gleam in his eyes.

Aizen shook his head. "Thank you, Ulquiorra, but I don't believe that will be necessary," he said with a calm smile. "Inoue-san, what are the terms of your strike?"

"Aizen-sama, you can't be seri-" Ulquiorra began, but stopped after receiving 'the look' from the former Shinigami.

Orihime's eyes took on a similar nasty gleam. "I have only one request, Aizen-sama," she said. "And I think it's a rather reasonable one too." She glanced up at Aizen, who nodded for her to continue. "Well, as a girl, I'm very uncomfortable with having a guy in charge of my well-being," she began.

Ulquiorra's eyes widened as her plan dawned on him. "You bitch," he hissed.

At this small outburst, Orihime's smile widened. "And I know that Hallibel is busy with other things, and you couldn't _possibly_ trust my life with Loly or Menoly, so if you could just have Szayel turn Ulquiorra back into a girl, your wish will once again be my command."

Aizen frowned thoughtfully. "Azien-sama, you aren't really _considering_ this, are you?" Ulquiorra asked in a mildly panicked voice. Aizen glanced at Tousen, who nodded slowly. "Aizen-sama!"

"Very well, Inoue-san. I will speak to Szayel Aporro about your terms."

Orihime beamed. "Thank you so much, Aizen-sama! I'll be sure to give everything my best effort from now on!" She spun around to face Ulquiorra. "Are you going to take me back to my room, or can I walk back there myself?" she asked sweetly.

"You won't be useful to Aizen-sama forever, and when that day comes, I will _**deeply**_ enjoy killing you." he snarled.

"I know you will," she said, smiling and patting his head. "But until then, you need to be a little bit nicer!"

With that, she all but skipped out of the room, Ulquiorra not far behind as he wondered how angry Aizen would be if Orihime and Grimmjow 'magically' found themselves lost in the Menos Forest.


End file.
